Dear Future Ex-Wife
Quotes Mother's Day at Dunnigan Residence Lance: Hey mom, Happy Mother's Day. I made cookies and coffee in bed! Alex: (screams) Lance, just be careful with the coffee I don't wanna get burnt or anything. Lance: Ok mom. Alex: And also, you know I hate breakfast in bed since I sleep naked. Lance: Sorry mom. I didn't know. Alex: Didn't know? You saw my boobs in here before. Lance: Oh yeah, I remember. Alex: You go put the coffee and cookies in the dining room while I put my robe on. Lance: Ok. Don Divorces Alex Don: Hey Alex, I've got one more present to give you. Alex: Really? Don: Yep. (gives it to Alex) Alex: What the fuck? Divorce papers? Don: That's right bitch, I'm divorcing you for the following reasons: you're not slutty enough, you spend too much on accessories and cosmetics and Lance is an annoying little asshole. Alex: Ok, I can agree to the fact that Lance is an asshole, but still I think he's a bigger challenge than Bart Simpson. Don: Yeah, but I am sick and tired of receiving phone calls from school saying that he has been perving on girls over and over. Alex: I always need accessories and cosmetics because I need to stay beautiful since I'm a model. And what do you mean I'm not slutty enough? Most of my outfits expose cleavage and I sleep naked like Barbara Morinah. Don: Yeah, yeah, but you rarely ride my dick, you haven't given me a lap dance for about 5 years and you're pissing off the bills. Alex: (Cries) Well if you really hate me, get the fuck out of my house! Since we're divorced, I'm taking full custody of Lance while you go to a brothel and fuck sluts. Don: Well that's fine with me, I've wasted 13 years with some unattractive nobody! (slams the door) Alex Finds a New Girlfriend Alex: Well, time to go to the nightclub and find someone to love me. Lance: Maybe you should be re-married to me? Alex: Lance, I can't it's incest. 30 minutes later... Alex: Excuse me sir, would you like to date me? Darren Lance: No thanks miss, I'm married. Alex: Shit. Alex: Hey there sir, wanna be with me? My man divorced me today. Yoshi: No thanks, I'm dating Jocelyn's mom, Kimme-Lee. Alex: Ok then. 15 minutes later... Alex: (sighs) Looks like I'm gonna be a single mother turning 40 in 2 months. I might as well be like Charlotte Dawson and take my own life. Jessie: Any of you ladies single? No? Ok then. Alex: Hmmm... If I can't get me a new man, perhaps I can get me a woman. Hey Jessie, wait up! Jessie: Oh hi Alex. Is Lance still obsessed with me? Alex: A little, even though he's moved on. Say Jess, my husband divorced me 6 hours ago and I haven't found a man to love me, so I was thinking maybe we should date each other and stuff. Jessie: I dunno about that, I'm 18 and a half and you're almost forty. I know that because you're about 2 months younger than Dustin Fletcher. Alex: And you're exactly one year younger than Kendall Jenner. Jessie: You know it, and us being a couple I'm unsure about that, although Eileen dumped me a month and a half ago. Alex: Wow, that's sad. Jessie: Yep, I've been dumped 13 times and divorced once. Alex: Wow, that's more than Taylor Swift. Jessie: IKR? It's a pretty bad dating record. I'm so stupid, I use Old Spice Body Spray to cook. Alex: (laughs) Oh Jess, you make me laugh. So, how about we go out on a date tomorrow night? Jessie: Sure thing. Besides, my sister is gonna play video games with Omar tomorrow night and she always tells dad on me whenever I interrupt her during gaming time. Trivia * Alex and Don Dunnigan get divorced after being married for 13 years. * This is part one of four. The other three are Dunnigan Does Yoshida, The Dating Adventures of Alex D and Jessie Y and Jessie Remarried. Category:Episodes Category:Season 8 Gallery Category:Episodes Category:Season 8